


If This Was Meant For Me Why Does it Hurt So Much?

by InsomniacCoffee



Series: Kloktober 2020 [3]
Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Abigail and Nathan's relationship is open to intrepetation, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Aquaphobia, Character Study, Drowning, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kloktober, Platonic Relationships, Post-Episode: s04 The Doomstar Requiem, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Water, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:20:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26808763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniacCoffee/pseuds/InsomniacCoffee
Summary: Kloktober Day 3: OceanWhumptober Prompt: Alt 12: WaterThe water calls to Abigail as well. The problem is she's aquaphobic.
Relationships: Charles Foster Offdensen & Abigail Remeltindtdrinc, Nathan Explosion & Abigail Remeltindtdrinc, Nathan Explosion/Abigail Remeltindtdrinc
Series: Kloktober 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947079
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	If This Was Meant For Me Why Does it Hurt So Much?

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this story for nearly...six months now? Wow, time flew by. This did combine two plots I had wanted to do; one of Nathan and Abigail's relationship as she has to realize she must go into the water as well and another where Charles and Abigail just have a nice conversation about things. Though I did write Nathan and Abigail to be endgame, I definitely didn't write it plainly so this can be interpreted any way you wish! I just find the idea of Abigail being aquaphobic and having to overcome it such an interesting concept, especially since she does end up canonically with Nathan who might just want an ocean for a backyard to talk to whales or something. 
> 
> Title is based off [Fear of the Water](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T4THwne8IE) by SYML. (Thanks [HeyMurphy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyMurphy/pseuds/HeyMurphy/works) for the suggestion! <3)
> 
>  **Date Started:** 04/27/20

Once the whale dreams began happening, Abigail had a feeling there was more to it than just a coincidence of recurring dreams.

They were different each time, however.

She would be surrounded by water, most likely an ocean. She could feel the weight of being underwater but could breathe normally. A whale would look at her, a gigantic one at that. She never had looked at a whale up close before but had to assume it was as gigantic as the dreams were.

_Go into the water._

"I refuse." She found herself saying.

The whale would repeat the phrase once more and she found herself waking up in a cold sweat. Once again, she was back in the dungeon where she and Toki were for the past few weeks.

That dream was recurring since she was kidnapped and provided not much relief other than a desire to go into the ocean. She assumed that maybe her mind was trying to stir up old memories. Memories of when...someone drowned and she had watched it all unfold. She refused to even think about such a memory then. After all, she and Toki promised to take care of each other and she had to hold her end of the bargain.

When they were rescued, she assumed that the dreams would stop, and for the first few nights, she was correct. She had gotten incredibly sick and forgot most of that week but when she finally recovered, the dreams occurred again.

_Go into the water._

_This is a step you must take._

_You cannot blame yourself for your past._

Once she got that final message, she realized she had to do something about it. She was only told the basics about the prophecy by Toki who was slowly learning everything. He didn't have the answer to every question and once she mentioned the whales, his eyes widened and he simply said, "Go ask Nathan."

So that's what she did.

They had talked a few times over the course of the few weeks. He was awkward and shy when he spoke to her but he meant well. He wasn't the type to speak much or even ask for much, which honestly was a relief from being prodded with questions almost 24/7. He knew his boundaries and she had a feeling he felt guilt over bringing her to this.

He checked on her when he could and that meant at least every few nights. This time, she was the one to go to his room and found him actually doing something that she never expected for him to do. She found it adorable but didn't say anything otherwise Nathan would try and hide it from her.

"Nathan, can I ask you a question?" She asked as she watched him crochet a teddy bear he had promised for Toki.

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"What do the dreams about whales mean?"

The moment she asked that question, he set his project down and looked at her, "You got those dreams too?" That was the moment when she knew he understood too.

The water had called to Nathan for a reason and it would be much different than the reason the water was calling to her. Or maybe it was the same exact reason. She couldn’t bring herself to explain that to him. She didn't know how she could anyway.

Nathan did try to explain though he was just as confused as her as well. He explained that it was the whale that got him to destroy _Seething Vortex_ and it was what brought him to the church where they were currently staying.

"But we're already underwater, aren't we?" She asked.

"Yeah but there's more to it." He answered, "It's something we apparently have to do together then."

"And what is that?"

"Find her."

She could feel her heart sink at that statement. She knew what he was talking about but was hoping he wasn't saying what she thought he was saying, "Are you saying we have to go in the actual ocean?"

"Yeah, I think. Chances are she's nearby so all we would have to do is swim there. Oh yeah, you could probably breathe underwater, too. But you can swim, right?"

"Nathan," She paused trying to hide the trembling voice that was desperate to come out, "I'm aquaphobic."

"Afraid of water?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Well, that kinda makes things harder," He answered. He could tell she was afraid and tried his best to give a reassuring smile, "But it's okay. This doesn't have to happen right away. We'll figure something out."

"Thank you, Nathan. I appreciate it." She replied.

They hung out for an hour or two more before she went back to her room to sleep. She couldn't sleep and almost tried to fight off sleep. The idea of having to submerse herself in the ocean was a terrifying thought. The whale entering her dreams was even more terrifying. She fought and fought sleep until her clock read five A.M and she found herself drifting off to sleep.

_You need to go into the water with him._

"I don't want to! I never asked for this."

_What are you afraid of?_

"Drowning, the water, that's pretty much it."

_Is that what you're truly afraid of? Is that what makes you blame yourself for something you couldn't control?_

She fell silent in that. The only sound was water sloshing around in her ears.

_What are you afraid of?_

She woke up right then. Her clock read nine A.M. She said her answer out loud but no whale could hear her or answer her.

* * *

She was caught up to speed even if she didn't understand. Charles and the others had to help chime in with what they knew. And it was quite a lot.

There were a lot more people than she realized that had linked to the prophecy. 'behind the scenes' was probably the right word. There was a girl named Trindle and some guy named Edgar. Magnus surprisingly was revived just for that reason but he didn't speak and avoided eye contact with her. The time wouldn't be right for them and not for a while. They had other things to think about.

She gathered the important bits of information. That demon entity that filled the news after their 'last' concert was a man connected to the prophecy. Dethklok were gods, apparently. There was a prophecy in the first place and she was a part of it.

"And what am I supposed to do?" She asked when she was sure there was nothing more to add.

"Well, ah, that's up to you to figure out. It's something you need to find out yourself. But you've been getting the whale dreams so you're on the right track." Charles answered.

So much for getting things over and done with.

When the meeting was over, Nathan pulled her aside.

"I...uh, shit's gonna start to happen. Like, a lot of dangerous things. I don't want you to get hurt again. You’re staying here." Nathan answered.

"So does that mean you're leaving?" She asked.

"Yeah, in a few days. I don't want to pressure you into doing something you don't wanna do so we'll try and see what we can do in the meantime."

In secret, she doesn't want him to leave. She doesn't want Toki to leave either who seemed too reluctant. He suffered just as much as she did and was the only one who directly understood what she went through. If she told him to stay, he most likely would the same way if he told her to come with them. They would have to be separated for some time.

She did try to ask Charles if she could come along but he only shook his head, "It's really in your best interest to stay here for now."

Toki was nervous that night when he visited her, waiting almost for her to tell him to stay. She doesn’t and it breaks them apart.

“Listen, you’re gonna have to pull your own weight, okay? But don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help.” She told him and it didn't make either of them feel better but at least Toki knew he had someone to turn to.

Abigail wasn't sure who she had to turn to now that Nathan and everyone else had to leave.

* * *

_What are you afraid of?_

"Why are you asking this question again?"

_You need to answer to be able to heal._

"What does answering have to do with healing?"

_One last time, Abigail. I'll ask this once more and then never again.  
_

_What are you afraid of?_

* * *

It was one of the final days before Dethklok had to go who knows where to figure out what to do.

In those few days, she had recovered enough to wander around the temple alone and came across a small cave with a pool of water, most likely that led to the ocean. The cave wasn't dark like the others she had found. the water was somehow illuminated by algae or whatever they're called. Basically, they glowed blue and that's all that really mattered to her.

No one was around or even knew where she was if they didn't keep track of her. Given the silence in the room, it was apparent she was alone. It would be so easy to _accidentally_ slip in, and let the water sink her down further and further until she can no longer be found. Her death would be ruled as an accidental drowning, not suicide, and she could at least die with the knowledge that she chose her outcome.

Drowning seemed plausible. She had read that drowning was somehow a peaceful way to die. Water fills the lungs, taking every gasp of air until it is as heavy as the clothes you are sinking under with. Eventually, your lungs stop begging for air and your brain stops struggling. You stop fighting. A sense of calmness overwhelms you, overtakes you, lulling you like a warm blanket as the ocean peacefully claims you, sinking into the calm water where no one will find you. They still haven't recovered his body.

At this point, the water had called her for that very reason. Almost as if reminding her that she didn’t have to continue on suffering if she didn’t want to. The nightmares, intense therapy sessions, the constant paranoia, and fear trying to fill in gaps of events she missed and sorting out old memories...it could be over in just a few moments. She didn’t have to unjustly suffer any longer if she just takes a few steps forward. And the fact she even had a choice in a situation where she had none...felt comforting. It felt warm. She so desperately wanted just a _moment_ of that warmth that she found herself standing on the ledge of the pool.

Abigail didn't know how deep it was. For all, she knew it was only three feet deep and she'd be a fucking idiot. If it was six feet deep would it be enough? How long would it take for someone to save her?

The longing to go in and jump in was there though. It wasn't to drown and die but rather find whoever began entering her dreams. If Nathan was correct, then she couldn't even drown herself. But then there was the fear to back out and run as far as she could from the water. The water wouldn't be warm. It would be cold and unfriendly and do nothing but take her over until she was nothing but meat for the sea animals.

With a defeated sigh, she sat down, a few feet away from the water. Despite all the resentment and anger at the world, it wasn't enough to convince her to jump in the pool for the intention of drowning like her thoughts wanted her to. Even then, it was hard to tell if it was jumping in for the intention of dying or completing something she needed to do. 

“Abigail?”

She turned around to find Charles standing just a few feet behind her. It was odd seeing him in a robe or normal clothes rather than a suit. Despite the fact she saw him at least once a day, it didn’t mean she got used to it. He only really wore two outfits; robe or a jacket and long pants. She hoped that she wouldn't be stuck here long enough to get used to his new choice of style.

"Yeah?" 

"Do you mind if I join you?" 

In trying to drown yourself? Sure. The more, the merrier, "Yeah, go ahead." 

He said a quick thanks and sat down next to her. He watched the water alongside her in silence. 

Abigail said nothing for the next few minutes. Eventually, there was a question she had to ask, "Do you even like this?"

"what do you mean?"

"Being a priest...It's probably a lot more to handle than being a manager."

He shrugged, "Well, it's quite a lot less paperwork so it's not so bad."

"Have you ever been to church before?"

“Only for Easters when I was a kid. You?”

“Only for Christmas.”

He had to admit it was hard. He was tired. It wasn't about him though and it was not his place to complain to someone who was going through quite a lot. He kept those thoughts to himself, "How are you feeling about everything? I imagine it must be hard to take in everything."

"The whale dreams don't help." She admitted, "But I guess I'm taking this easier than anyone would expect.' 

"Well, you spoke to Nathan about those dreams, right?" 

"Yeah. Haven't told him everything if I have to be honest." 

"Why not?"

"Because I don't need anyone to interpret everything she says to me. I know what she's telling me in some aspects," She found herself blurting out. It was easier to keep things in and never mention anything at all but she found herself speaking more than she wanted to him. Maybe the guys were right in often turning to him for advice. He never seemed like the type to judge and as far as she knew, he was a person who treated her kindly and professionally. Which definitely spoke a lot compared to other people who had positions similar to him.

"I'm guessing this is a sort of...personal situation you have to solve?"

She nodded.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

She was ready to say 'no' but _What are you afraid of?_ entered her mind and she found herself disagreeing with what she originally wanted to say, "Did you ever feel like something's your fault?"

"I have. There are quite a few things in my life I blame myself for but even I realize they really aren't. I suppose it's just part of being human." 

"What's one of them? If you wanna say, that is."

"Well," He paused, "I blame myself for letting you and Toki be kidnapped. There was no way for me to figure out that they were even planning that but as someone who considers himself on top of things, I blamed myself for quite a while that I couldn't even keep track of that."

"Toki and I never once blamed you for what happened. If anything, we owe you our lives," She knew how he felt all too well, "Do you still blame yourself? Be honest."

"Yeah. Not as much as I did before now that you're both found and well but on occasion I do." 

"I know how you feel. Not that it involved someone being kidnapped out of revenge but you must've felt afraid and helpless, weren't you?"

He looked at her, "Yeah, exactly that. What do you feel guilty for? If you mind my asking?"

She couldn't look at her and instead looked at the waves, "Letting my brother drown." 

Whatever he expected definitely wasn't that, "How did that happen?"

"I was nine and he was six. We were playing too far in the water and I guess we ended up in a riptide. I managed to escape and I was stupid enough to say I'd get help. One moment he was there and the next he wasn't." 

"Is that why you're afraid of the water?"

"Yeah. I quit my swim team after that and never been in an ocean ever since." She watched as the waves slowly crash. A few broken seashells washed up. She inspected the seashells but there were no perfect ones worth keeping around. 

"I'm sorry for your loss." It was the only thing he could say. He was familiar with death, he was the dead man after all, but that didn't mean he knew how to help someone through it, "It wasn't your fault that happened whatsoever. It was just a freak accident neither of you could've predicted." 

"I know but I guess I wish I had done things differently. Like listening to my parents when they said to not wander off too far or at least try and save him myself." 

"Do you think he would've blamed you?"

"Not at all. We were really close growing up and even if he had survived, wouldn't have blamed me for it." 

"Then I think you're being too hard on yourself. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through that at a young age but it's never going to be your fault. All you really need to do is believe that it isn't your fault."

_Is that what makes you blame yourself for something you couldn't control?_

"It's not that easy to do that." She said quietly.

"Well, I wouldn't expect for you to stop blaming yourself all of a sudden. It's gonna take time."

"How long?"

"It all depends on you."

She knew the answer deep down. She knew that what she had to do was going to be hard but it was something she had to do. If not for herself, then possibly for the person she felt she blamed the most. She looked at Charles, "Don't try to blame yourself for what happened to me and Toki and I'll try to not blame myself for my brother's death." 

"It's a deal." He answered. His phone buzzed and he checked to see that it was a text message, “Well, I’ll have to get going. I have to attend another meeting. But if you still want to talk, I can just be a little late."

She shook her head, "It's fine, I think this talk was enough. Don't be late." 

"I won't. I'll see you later, Abigail." He said as he stood up and got ready to leave.

“Hey, Charles?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” She smiled at him. It felt nice to know that at least she wasn't entirely alone.

“Not a problem. You know where to find me if you need me.” He returned the smile and left.

She looked at the waves alone for a few more minutes. While just one conversation wouldn't solve years' worth of self-blaming and self-hatred, it was a start. And it was enough to know she needed to do something. She stood up and left the cave.

* * *

It was the dead of night and if it weren't for the sound of waves crashing against the rocks, it would've been deadly silent. 

She gripped Nathan's hand just a bit tighter. Hell, it almost hurt him. They said nothing as they stared into the water.

“You don’t have to do this. I can try and find another way.” Nathan spoke.

She said nothing for a few moments before turning to him, “I want to.”

"Okay," He answered as he looked up ahead. There was only a rock wall to view but down below would be where they would need to go.

He gave her the time she needed. He didn't say anything else as he looked at the oceans and walls, waiting patiently for what they needed to do next.

With a few deep breaths, she proceeded to walk further. Coldwater splashed on their feet as they walked closer to the edge. She paused as she stared into the dark water below.

"Are you ready?" Nathan asked.

"No," Her heart was beating so rapidly she felt that she could die of a panic attack. But she knew that this had to be done. She focused on what she felt; the calling to go in. It was warm and inviting and it was enough to ignore the fear she felt, "Let's go."

Without another word, they jumped into the water.


End file.
